Friday, January 22, 2010

The Last Few Weeks In Pictures

A Winter Walk

A Day with Ty

I Spy...Whos's Chasing Who

Could he be any cuter?

More Winter Fun

Thursday, January 7, 2010


A word that has run through my brain more times than I can count in the last few weeks. I have only typed the first sentence and already tears are streaming down my face. I have had so many emotions running through me lately, I will be amazed if I can get them all out in semblance of sense.

Webster define Insecure in this way:
1 : not confident or sure
2 : not adequately guarded or sustained
3 : not firmly fastened or fixed
4 : not highly stable or well-adjusted
5 : deficient in assurance : beset by fear and anxiety

Who wants to live that way...certainly not me. I have seasons in my life in which I feel confident in all I do, and then have seasons which insecurities seem to consume me. I have been living in the latter off and on in the past few weeks. I find that it's usually all or nothing. I feel confident in most things or feel insecure in everything (even when it is not valid).

So what is it that I am feeling insecure in lately....
marriage, parenting, friendship, work, worshiping the Lord to name a few...

December has been a roller coaster, started off the month not so good, and then had an incredible time with Chris and the kids, family and friends through the holidays, and then it all came crashing down again last week.

It stems from a variety of areas in my life. I started a new job this year and have made some mistakes along the way. This was one area in my life that I have never had a problem being confident in (maybe too confident sometimes). Although this year it has not been so easy. Trying to juggle the wife, mother, worker, housekeeper, and friend and do them all well has proven difficult at times, and has left me questioning myself.

Parenting and marriage...Again while we have our "issues" (for lack of a better word) I usually feel confident in my parenting abilities and the strength of my marriage. I was sharing with a friend last night, that when I get in situations with others, I tend to over analyze everything and am constantly worried about what others think about my parenting abilities and the way my kids are acting (even in circles in which everyone is family and loves me). Some have questioned why we doing certain things or why our children act out. I tell myself, they don't know what it is like to raise three kids under the age of four, trying to make myself feel better. When all in all I really need to tell myself that I am doing the best job I know how, and doing what Chris and I feel is best for our family. Again, that does not mean there is no room for improvement or I do not want advice from others who have or are raising kids, it just means that I need/want to feel confident in the decisions we make for our family. I look at other families and other marriages and get caught up in questioning the way they do things, and wondering if I should do it that way to. I have come to realize that in most things in life there is not a definitive right or wrong...What is right for one may not be right for another.

Friendships...I have always struggled in this area. I have never been super outgoing or the life of the party. Making friends is something that was somewhat difficult for me as a child and even into adulthood. When in a friendship I have times that I question the relationship (am I really important to them, do they like me for who I am, are they really telling me the truth or just being nice and more to embarrassing and ridiculous to share)...even thinking about it as I type sounds ridiculous, but just trying to be real. I deeply value friendships, and sometimes I know I get to caught up in all the questions. My greatest friendship in my husband, Chris and some say that should be enough, but I find myself wanting for more. A connection with girlfriends that fills a different need than sometimes a husband can. I know I have those relationships, yet I still find myself questioning them at times. Silly isn't it...I have GREAT friends who lift me up and encourage me, yet I still question.

Expectations is another culprit in this well of insecurity. I live in the world of unrealistic expectations all to often. And when things don't go down how I thought, or someone does not do something I was hoping or thought they should, disappointment comes crashing in.

It all comes down to not always being confident in who I am and who the Lord has made ME to be. Easier said than done. I can put on a good face most of the time, but there is something freeing being able to write it out. While there is always room for growth and new wisdom in one's life, trying to live in the place of pleasing others and living up to how I think they want me to be is exhausting and only gets me to this place of insecurity. I am a work in progress, as we all are...I will continue to press in to our Heavenly Father and his affirmation, love, and grace.

Thanks for listening to the ramblings of my heart today...

After completeing this post I found this on another it

credit: Mother Thersea
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, alterior motives;
be kind anyway.
If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies;
succeed anyway.
If you are honest people may cheat you;
be honest anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the end, it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Two in One

Today I am celebrating two of my kiddos in one post...

Parker turned 7 months old...time is flying by and I love seeing the changes, almost daily in him. He got shots last week and weighed in at 18lbs 13oz. and was 27 1/4 inches long, so he did not gain much in length and height this month. He is in the 50th percentile for weight and 75 percentile for height. He was a trooper with his shots, cried for seconds and was happy as can be the rest of the day...did not even need Motrin.

He is still wearing 6-9 month clothes and an occasional 12 month outfit. He is getting so tall that he moved up a height level on his excercauser. He still loves his bath and would stay in until the water is cold. During Christmas vacation we went to the Warren Community Center and he went "swimming" with his sisters. He was in the water for almost 1 1/2 hours and loved every second of it. I am very excited to get him into our pool this summer.

He is eating and sleeping like a champ. He eats about 10oz of cereal, fruits, and veggies a day and is nursing four times a day still. He's eating puffs and tries drinking from a sippy cup, although is not so found of water right now. He takes 2 - 2 hour naps and sleeps 12-13 hours at night. In the last couple weeks he has been sleeping until 8-8:30am. It was nice to sleep in a little. We were pretty busy through the holidays, so even the girls were sleeping in too.

He talks, babbles, squeals, and yells all the time these days. He has found his voice and loves to use it. Melia can make him laugh like no one else. She loves to play and hold him. Eva holds him and then quickly says, "too heavy". They smother him with kisses and love. He FINALLY rolled over this month. The first time was in his crib. He is sitting up for long periods of time, and loves playing with toys while sitting. It has opened a whole new world to him. He also started scooting on his back. When on the floor he pushes with his feet and scoots in all directions.

And finally, he has discovered his "manhood" this month. Leave his diaper off too long and his hand slowly creeps down to it. If you remember back to his ultrasound post, he was playing with it even then, in the womb...ALL BOY he is. It makes me (and him) laugh every time. I love you baby boy...Happy 7 months!!!

I love his hands and feet

I also want to celebrate Melia...

Last week Melia turned 4. Wow, I have a four year old.
She is the most amazing four year old I have ever met. (I am only a little bias :) She never ceases to amaze me with the things she comes up with. She is incredibly smart and tries to talk her way out of everything. She also has an incredible memory. She is learning bible verses, and after 2-3 nights of repeating them has usually committed them to memory.
She is already a great multi-takser. She can be doing something, but always knows what is going on around her and does not hesitate to jump in to help out and then go back to what she is doing. She is ALWAYS listening. Even while deep in play, she is taking in all conversations around her.
She is an independent, spunky, loving, intelligent, busy, hands-on learning, helpful, discerning, never-forgetting, precious girl. All qualities that will make an excellent leader some day. She started pre-school this year...she loves going and loves her teachers. She is always talking about her friends and tells me every detail of her day.
She is always amazing when she went to her 4 year well-check she had to get three shots. The nurse asked me. "do you want her to sit with you so you can hold her arms and legs?" I said, "she should be okay just laying down, and I will hold her hand." Melia and I sang a song, while the nurse gave her two shots in one leg and one in the other. She never even flinched. She just looked and me, held my hands, and sang the song. The nurse was astounded. She said she has never given shots to someone her age that remained so calm and did not try to move away. By the third one she new what was coming, but continued to lay there like nothing was happening. What a brave and strong girl she is. I warned her a few times leading up to today, that she would be getting "pokes". We talked about it again this morning, and she said, "it will be okay, they are just baby pokes" She was excited to get a piece of candy and a prize from the nurse afterwards. She wieghed 35 1/2 pounds (35th percentile) and was 40 inches (55th percentile) tall today at her check-up.
Dear Melia, You came into this world quickly, and have been on the go ever since. I love you more and more every day, and can't imagine life without you. You bring me incredible joy. You are a great big sister always looking out for Eva and Parker. If Eva is sad, you try to make it better for her. You are compassionate and loving to others. I have no doubt that you will excel in anything you put your mind too. Your Aunt Bekah, once said that you will be a world changer and I have no doubt that is true. Your spunk and zeal for life will take you far. You love the Lord and love even more to worship him. I look forward to watching this passion for the things of Him grow. I love you baby girl...Happy 4th birthday. love, mommy

Cheesy Smile

Sister Love

Sleep over

How many blows will it take to blow them all out????

Melia wanted a Dora cake...It was made by my sister...isn't it awesome?

Her favorite past time these days

Running after the heart of the Father. Seeking His face in All things. Walking His will out in my life. These are the desires of my heart. Along the way I am a wife and mom who wants to capture memories that will last a life time.