A word that has run through my brain more times than I can count in the last few weeks. I have only typed the first sentence and already tears are streaming down my face. I have had so many emotions running through me lately, I will be amazed if I can get them all out in semblance of sense.
Webster define Insecure in this way:
1 : not confident or sure
2 : not adequately guarded or sustained
3 : not firmly fastened or fixed
4 : not highly stable or well-adjusted
5 : deficient in assurance : beset by fear and anxiety
Who wants to live that way...certainly not me. I have seasons in my life in which I feel confident in all I do, and then have seasons which insecurities seem to consume me. I have been living in the latter off and on in the past few weeks. I find that it's usually all or nothing. I feel confident in most things or feel insecure in everything (even when it is not valid).
So what is it that I am feeling insecure in lately....
marriage, parenting, friendship, work, worshiping the Lord to name a few...
December has been a roller coaster, started off the month not so good, and then had an incredible time with Chris and the kids, family and friends through the holidays, and then it all came crashing down again last week.
It stems from a variety of areas in my life. I started a new job this year and have made some mistakes along the way. This was one area in my life that I have never had a problem being confident in (maybe too confident sometimes). Although this year it has not been so easy. Trying to juggle the wife, mother, worker, housekeeper, and friend and do them all well has proven difficult at times, and has left me questioning myself.
Parenting and marriage...Again while we have our "issues" (for lack of a better word) I usually feel confident in my parenting abilities and the strength of my marriage. I was sharing with a friend last night, that when I get in situations with others, I tend to over analyze everything and am constantly worried about what others think about my parenting abilities and the way my kids are acting (even in circles in which everyone is family and loves me). Some have questioned why we doing certain things or why our children act out. I tell myself, they don't know what it is like to raise three kids under the age of four, trying to make myself feel better. When all in all I really need to tell myself that I am doing the best job I know how, and doing what Chris and I feel is best for our family. Again, that does not mean there is no room for improvement or I do not want advice from others who have or are raising kids, it just means that I need/want to feel confident in the decisions we make for our family. I look at other families and other marriages and get caught up in questioning the way they do things, and wondering if I should do it that way to. I have come to realize that in most things in life there is not a definitive right or wrong...What is right for one may not be right for another.
Friendships...I have always struggled in this area. I have never been super outgoing or the life of the party. Making friends is something that was somewhat difficult for me as a child and even into adulthood. When in a friendship I have times that I question the relationship (am I really important to them, do they like me for who I am, are they really telling me the truth or just being nice and more to embarrassing and ridiculous to share)...even thinking about it as I type sounds ridiculous, but just trying to be real. I deeply value friendships, and sometimes I know I get to caught up in all the questions. My greatest friendship in my husband, Chris and some say that should be enough, but I find myself wanting for more. A connection with girlfriends that fills a different need than sometimes a husband can. I know I have those relationships, yet I still find myself questioning them at times. Silly isn't it...I have GREAT friends who lift me up and encourage me, yet I still question.
Expectations is another culprit in this well of insecurity. I live in the world of unrealistic expectations all to often. And when things don't go down how I thought, or someone does not do something I was hoping or thought they should, disappointment comes crashing in.
It all comes down to not always being confident in who I am and who the Lord has made ME to be. Easier said than done. I can put on a good face most of the time, but there is something freeing being able to write it out. While there is always room for growth and new wisdom in one's life, trying to live in the place of pleasing others and living up to how I think they want me to be is exhausting and only gets me to this place of insecurity. I am a work in progress, as we all are...I will continue to press in to our Heavenly Father and his affirmation, love, and grace.
Thanks for listening to the ramblings of my heart today...
After completeing this post I found this on another blog...love it
credit: Mother Thersea
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, alterior motives;
be kind anyway.
If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies;
If you are honest people may cheat you;
be honest anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the end, it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.