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Thursday, January 7, 2010

Insecurities

A word that has run through my brain more times than I can count in the last few weeks. I have only typed the first sentence and already tears are streaming down my face. I have had so many emotions running through me lately, I will be amazed if I can get them all out in semblance of sense.

Webster define Insecure in this way:
1 : not confident or sure
2 : not adequately guarded or sustained
3 : not firmly fastened or fixed
4 : not highly stable or well-adjusted
5 : deficient in assurance : beset by fear and anxiety

Who wants to live that way...certainly not me. I have seasons in my life in which I feel confident in all I do, and then have seasons which insecurities seem to consume me. I have been living in the latter off and on in the past few weeks. I find that it's usually all or nothing. I feel confident in most things or feel insecure in everything (even when it is not valid).

So what is it that I am feeling insecure in lately....
marriage, parenting, friendship, work, worshiping the Lord to name a few...

December has been a roller coaster, started off the month not so good, and then had an incredible time with Chris and the kids, family and friends through the holidays, and then it all came crashing down again last week.

It stems from a variety of areas in my life. I started a new job this year and have made some mistakes along the way. This was one area in my life that I have never had a problem being confident in (maybe too confident sometimes). Although this year it has not been so easy. Trying to juggle the wife, mother, worker, housekeeper, and friend and do them all well has proven difficult at times, and has left me questioning myself.

Parenting and marriage...Again while we have our "issues" (for lack of a better word) I usually feel confident in my parenting abilities and the strength of my marriage. I was sharing with a friend last night, that when I get in situations with others, I tend to over analyze everything and am constantly worried about what others think about my parenting abilities and the way my kids are acting (even in circles in which everyone is family and loves me). Some have questioned why we doing certain things or why our children act out. I tell myself, they don't know what it is like to raise three kids under the age of four, trying to make myself feel better. When all in all I really need to tell myself that I am doing the best job I know how, and doing what Chris and I feel is best for our family. Again, that does not mean there is no room for improvement or I do not want advice from others who have or are raising kids, it just means that I need/want to feel confident in the decisions we make for our family. I look at other families and other marriages and get caught up in questioning the way they do things, and wondering if I should do it that way to. I have come to realize that in most things in life there is not a definitive right or wrong...What is right for one may not be right for another.

Friendships...I have always struggled in this area. I have never been super outgoing or the life of the party. Making friends is something that was somewhat difficult for me as a child and even into adulthood. When in a friendship I have times that I question the relationship (am I really important to them, do they like me for who I am, are they really telling me the truth or just being nice and more to embarrassing and ridiculous to share)...even thinking about it as I type sounds ridiculous, but just trying to be real. I deeply value friendships, and sometimes I know I get to caught up in all the questions. My greatest friendship in my husband, Chris and some say that should be enough, but I find myself wanting for more. A connection with girlfriends that fills a different need than sometimes a husband can. I know I have those relationships, yet I still find myself questioning them at times. Silly isn't it...I have GREAT friends who lift me up and encourage me, yet I still question.

Expectations is another culprit in this well of insecurity. I live in the world of unrealistic expectations all to often. And when things don't go down how I thought, or someone does not do something I was hoping or thought they should, disappointment comes crashing in.

It all comes down to not always being confident in who I am and who the Lord has made ME to be. Easier said than done. I can put on a good face most of the time, but there is something freeing being able to write it out. While there is always room for growth and new wisdom in one's life, trying to live in the place of pleasing others and living up to how I think they want me to be is exhausting and only gets me to this place of insecurity. I am a work in progress, as we all are...I will continue to press in to our Heavenly Father and his affirmation, love, and grace.

Thanks for listening to the ramblings of my heart today...

After completeing this post I found this on another blog...love it

credit: Mother Thersea
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, alterior motives;
be kind anyway.
If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies;
succeed anyway.
If you are honest people may cheat you;
be honest anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the end, it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.

9 comments:

Rebekah said...

You have a beautiful heart.

I wish I could give you some of my overconfidence to make up for some of your lack of or that I could say "Don't feel that way!" and you wouldn't...but I know that I can't.

Sometimes God takes us down paths that seem isolated so that he can change us glory to glory to glory. Keep letting him whisper to your heart and filling your soul.

And don't ever forget that the world needs you - and even more so, I need you. We can't all be prideful, (sometimes arrogant) confident women. Where would the meekness be in that? I look at you and see a humble servant of the Most High God. One that I want to be like when I grow up.

No more beating yourself up. Just be. And let God continue to pour over your heart.

You won't always be in this place. You won't always be a mother to three under four. You won't always be pulled in a hundred different directions.

But you will always be my best friend. I love you.

beckyjomama said...

Every last thing you said ... me too. (cept the job part ... but only cause I don't have one. But, when I did .. yeah). Thank you for sharing and being so very transparant. Glory to glory to glory ... just like Rebekah said.

Even Paul, in Philippians, said

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phil 3:12-14

Paul was "not there" and God was using him to WRITE THE BIBLE!!! God does not need US to be all things, just to let HIM be all things in us.

Praying for you!!!!

Teri~Facedown said...

Humility is so much more beautiful than overconfidence. I'd rather be confident in God's abilities than in what I can do anyway! There's something to striving for excellence, I'm all for it...but not being excellent so it looks like we have it all together or to somehow get accolades from people. Excellence because we are children of the King and we just want to please our Father with our absolute best. Not striving for perfection, but just finding the groove of the Spirit that enables us to do more than we can possibly do on our own, and then turning around and applauding God for His great and mighty power in our lives.

Beth Moore is coming out with a new book called "So Long Insecurity" I can't wait to read it. Insecurity is such a common thing in us girls.

And for the record...I adore your three 4 and under! They add a dimension of wonder to my life that I've been missing since my kids got a little bigger!

You will always have a friend in me! We love hanging out with you guys!

Love you so much.

Meeghan said...

Thanks girls...you guys are the best...pressing in and moving forward.

karen said...

Hey honey love you and couldnt be more proud of you. You are an awesome daughter, mother, wife, teacher, sister. friend and most importantly child of God. I know it doesnt have the same impact coming from me because i always have and always will love you and be proud of you, but just wanted to remind you that i am in your corner too.

Lindsey said...

I love you and think you are amazing!

Anonymous said...

Meeghan,
I think you are the best mom, teacher, friend and wife that you can be. There is only one Meeghan,and I would not want to know a Meeghan any other than the one I know. You were created and the mold was destroyed. Let know one talk you down. Just be the best you can be. And let God continue to mold you into the woman of God that HE wants you to be.
I love you!!
Mary

Laura said...

Just wanted to chime in and say how much I miss you, Meeghan! I really loved that we were hanging out more before we moved and always looked forward to spending time with you and your babies. I've thought of you often since then and was just thinking earlier today that I'd love to see you next time we are in town. Also wanted you to know that, from the outside, you appear to me as one of the THE MOST amazing moms I know who has beautiful eyes :) and a strong marriage and home. I've always felt that there was so much I could learn from you and joked that I should give you my babies (especially when Gabe was so fussy in the beginning) for a few days so you could whip them into a routine! I know that how others see us is not ultimately important, but I thought it might help to know that, from the outside looking in, you appear very confident, able and lovely.

Nancy said...

I just dropped by to say how cute Parker looked Sunday in his little newsboy hat and I find a long anguished letter. What Rebekah said is so true. I think you are a beautiful woman of God in every way. I like the way you are quiet and serenly confident. (That's what I thought.) Even with "issues," you are wonderful handling all you have on your plate right now. May God give you peace and grace as you continue living and working for Him.

Running after the heart of the Father. Seeking His face in All things. Walking His will out in my life. These are the desires of my heart. Along the way I am a wife and mom who wants to capture memories that will last a life time.